Deaf White Girl

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Noise Nuisance

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Face Down

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When Grandma died

I am still thinking of Daniel. And I dun know why.

Come to think of it, I never did cried for Daniel. I remembered I was in a state of shock when I flipped open the papers 2 years back and saw his obituary staring back at me. I did not shed a tear for Daniel then or even now. Should I?

When my maternal grandma died, 4 or 5 years back, I was not as affected then or grieved as I was by Daniel's death. Maybe grandma and I never shared a single tender warm moment together.

I remembered my mother leaving me a message on my pager....Grandma died, please come to the funeral.

At that time, I was starting work at a new job, a dot.com and was only working 3 days a week initially. I recalled telling my boss then...sorry I can't come in the rest of the week and maybe next week as well cos my grandma just died.

I think my boss said..."I am so sorry..Take your time...return to work when u are ready."

But I certainly did said," oh...it's all right anyway, we were not that close so I dun really feel so sad."

I dun know why I said that. Maybe that was the way I really felt then and now thinking back...seems a tad bit too heartless and unfilial??

Well, Grandma was just grandma. We used to visit her every Wednesday cos that was the day my mother had her off day. And every time, my mother would buy a duck, which she would cook in soya sauce. And after giving my grandma one third of the duck, would bring the rest back home.

My grandpa died in his 60s?? leaving grandma who was then in her 30s?? to bring up her brood of children. There was 8 of them, 5 girls and 3 boys.

I think Grandma came from a rich family and simply had no idea of working. Other widows probably have to toll and toil to bring up so many kids, but I dun think she actually worked a single day to support her children. I do know that her children, other than my mother who was the youngest, had minimal education....Maybe primary school? My mother was lucky that she managed to scrap through 3 years of her high school education.

Anyway, most of my grandma's children worked various jobs to support her family.

Grandma and I never really had a conversation. I mean we spoke the same language and dialect but then there was never a common topic. To her, I was probably her youngest daughter 's son, who visited every week.

And to think of it now, grandma and I never sat down for a meal together. And I mean NEVER. I have never eaten with any of my maternal relatives other than my mother. Odd and very strange. I mean I have definitely seen her eat and she has seen me ate but we have never actually share a meal ...lunch or dinner together.

I was telling SO this and SO admitted it was strange.....but he said ...but then your family is strange. And I suppose that by never sharing a meal together means Grandma and I never bonded at all. But now that's history and there 's nothing I can do about it any more.

When Grandma reached her 60s??, she contracted diabetes. By then, I have not visited her much. Reaching teenage years by then, I no longer followed my mother as she went on her weekly trips home. I was busy with school and stuff. I suppose I never did see her much after becoming a teenager. I was just too busy growing up.

Grandma was hospitalized when I was in my early adulthood...when I was on my first job. I remembered then that her legs were amputated in a operation. But she was still very much aware and not senile. She even recognized me even though she had not seen me for years. And she was so in her element, that she even remembered clearly what the doctor told her about the next appointment as he wheeled her out of the operation table. We were all expecting her to be groggy and dizzy from the operation and yet there she was ....so alert.

I visited her once or twice and then she was discharged. And that was the last time I ever saw her again.

I did not keep track of her whereabouts after that and I really have no idea where she lived then. Was she staying in the old family place or had she moved in with her youngest son? Frankly, I dun know. I never visited her. Maybe I just did not thought of visiting her at all. Though my mother still did go on her weekly trips.I cannot seemed to remember much about myself during that phase of life. But it was not as if I dun care. I really did but I just dun know what to do. Or what I had did then.

Anyway, I received news of her funeral some years later and went to her wake.
By then I had moved out of the house and living apart from my family.

At the funeral wake, there are so many relatives which I have not seen for a long time and relatives that I did not even know even existed. The whole wake lasted for 3 days and she was given a catholic funeral ...no doubt...Arranged by my mother.

My grandma was not an educated woman and I dun think she has a nary a concept of catholism or Christianity. But on her deathbed, she was baptized and even given the name "Maria".

I can still remembered one of my older cousins, saying...when did granny become "Maria" and then he chuckled. Frankly, I also find that amusing. I meant...just because one is Baptists does not necessary mean one is given passage to heaven. U have to believe. Really believe in the salvation of Christ....otherwise it is just death rites by catholism.

When she was cremated, some of my female relatives cried. I dun think my mother wept though. And neither did I. Frankly, I dun exactly feel a loss. After all, she had lived a full rich life. And she died without complaints and regrets. And she died ..OLD...she was in her 80s? or was it 90s?

A few days after the funeral, I accompanied my mother to collect grandma ashes. There was only 2 of us. I dun know why there was only 2 of us. Anyway, my mother brought me to this terrace place..some sort of church..yet seems like some place of catholic worship place or someone's home. There we were brought underground to a basement where it seems there are so many urns around. Well....the caretaker? asked us to choose a empty slot..

My mother couldn't make up her mind and so I just picked a slot..with numbers 8 ..which I now cannot remembered.

And we left grandma there.

And I never went back there since. And I dun know whether my mother does. Frankly, now I dun think I remember the exact location of the place either.

Frankly, I did not feel sad for grandma, the way I felt for Daniel. Maybe Daniel died young...in the prime of his life...whereas Grandma died old...she lived her full life. I meant ..could she have gone any further??? She had her legs cut off, she was sick and old.

And to me, she's more like my mother's friend...whom I hardly know. Whom I met a few times when I was a child. There did not seemed to be any blood bond. She's just grandma in name. The mother of my mother in blood.

I dun feel any closer to Daniel though. After I left the company, we did not keep in touch. Yet I was really haunted by his death. Maybe it was because he was kind to me. Once, twice ..many times and I never had the opportunity to tell him thank you.

Well....dun ask me...I dun know.

Getting Depressed....HA!

I have taken about 4 days to complete writing about Daniel and am feeling depressed.

Who's to say?....Maybe I or SO may end up like Daniel....dead with cancer or whatever...within a few years time.

But somehow, there is a sense of relief and closure.

Finally, i have done it....It has been so difficult to write down what i thought of Daniel and I am really grateful towards him.

With that, Rest in Peace, Daniel.

The Purpose/ Meaning of Life

Reading the eulogy of Dr Wee Kim Wee reminded me of something some one asked me some time back....what is the meaning / purpose of life?

I was taken aback. "Frankly, I dun know"...i told him. "Maybe die without regrets??"

"What's your's?" I asked him.

"Make a million before I am 30 or 40??" he jested. "Frankly, I really dun know yet." he confessed.

Is money and material wealth really that important? Can u really find the meaning and purpose in life with money or material possessions?

Who really knows what is the meaning of life?

Reading the eulogy made me realise...that life is just life.


Live LIFE to the fullest. Be kind to the people around u....family or strangers...LOVE, TREASURE AND CHERISH them and LOVE all animals.


And maybe then....just maybe....u will die happy and without any regrets.

Eulogy of Dr Wee Kim Wee, Former President of Singapore

A friend sent me this.......So simple and yet so touching.


EULOGY OF DR WEE KIM WEE
EULOGY BY GRANDDAUGHTER OF FORMER PRESIDENT WEE KIM WEE - LIM HUI MIN

Weekend May 7, 2005

MY grandfather's achievements as an editor, a diplomat and a head of state are now the stuff of legend. You would have read all these things in the newspapers or watched them on television - he was a public man.

What I should talk about is my grandfather as a family man. I cannot talk about my grandfather without also talking about my grandmother. She was the rock of his life. His last thoughts were of her. They were holding hands when he finally went to sleep on Monday morning.

Last year, we celebrated their 68th wedding anniversary. After dinner he presented her with a red packet full of money, which he then followed up with a jewellery box - because my grandmother loves wearing jewellery. There was a jade brooch inside the box. And, in return, in front of everybody, she kissed him three times.

They were 87 and 88 at that time.

Once, (when) I was learning the piano, I thought I would learn some songs to play at my grandmother's birthday party. I asked my grandfather what songs he thought she would like. To my surprise he gave me a type-written sheet (with songs listed)in order of preference.

He was always a busy man - he used to tell me that he had two million things on his mind. But at some point in his life, he had sat down and thought hard about what music my grandmother would enjoy and typed it all out and kept it in special folder ready to be whipped out at anytime.

Husbands who are here today: Do you have a list of your wife's top 10 favorite songs in a folder? That's a lesson you can take from my grandfather.

They celebrated 69 years of marriage together in April this year. I thank my grandfather from the bottom of my heart for showing us what it really is like to love a person. I also thank my grandfather for showing us what it is to love life.

He was a man who enjoyed life. He collected snuff bottles, coins and stamps. He travelled the world; he played sports; he planted fruit trees; he loved the smell and taste of hazelnut coffee.

Whenever his grandchildren visited him in his office - whether at the Malaysian High Commission, the embassy in Tokyo, the Singapore Broadcast Corporation or the huge halls of the Istana - there would come moments when he would wink at us, open his desk drawer and say "have a chocolate".

Unknown to my grandmother, who disapproved of his snacking in between meals, he always kept a secret stash of Hawaiian hazelnut chocolates, which he ate out of her sight during office hours.

My grandfather loved animals as well. He liked to watch horses running. He liked dogs and cats and he liked fish. At the last count, his house contained 11 chickens, eight terrapins, two goldfish and one dog.

Once, someone gave him six turkeys. I think the idea was for them to be fattened up and eaten. My grandfather looked at them and spoke to them. He gave them names. I remember my mother saying to me, "Oh no, he has given them names - we'll never get rid of them now". And so the turkeys were with us for quite some time.

But one day, they started irritating the chickens so my grandfather decided to find them a new home. The Singapore Zoo was chosen. When the family heard about this, of course we all joked that the turkeys would be fed to the crocodiles.

He was so alarmed by this that he made special arrangements with the zoo. They were to send him a written report every time a turkey died. The report had to state the cause of death and age of each turkey.

That was the kind of man my grandfather was. He revered and respected life - even the life of an animal.

The stories of his life are, to me, all stories of love. If you wish to honour his memory in your life, then live your life to the full, stand by your friends, cherish your family, listen to everyone with an open mind and welcome those who cross your path with an open heart.

He has gone on another journey now. We have spent the past five days saying goodbye to him and it is now the time to let him go.

From all your grandchildren and great grandchildren: I know you love us all so very much.

Goodbye gong gong (granddad). Goodbye.

Good bye Daniel

Last saturday afternoon SO and I went apartment hunting again. This is something we do most Saturdays and we have seen quite a few apartments.

Anyway, this particular posting is not about that...more on apartment hunting....some other time.

One of the agents I met was someone I knew from long ago. We used to work together in an insurance company many years back. That time, I was a new rookie and he was a sales manager. Anyway, we worked together for a few months or so, before he resigned to go into a career in property, which he still is in now.

Anyway, I have been hunting for this Mr A for such a long time. The reason was Daniel. Daniel was also a sales manager in the same insurance company and he was initially my supervisor for the first few months. Daniel died on 2 April 2 years back and frankly, I did not have the opportunity to attend his funeral or his annual memorial.

And it has been eating me up all this time.

Daniel and I were not particularly close either but he was nice to me when I was working there...He was the one who recruited me...giving me an chance and a job. We worked together for the first few months before I was transferred to another unit due to the company restructuring. I worked in the new unit for about 6 more months before I resigned cos I dun think the insurance industry was my cup of tea in the long run.

We had numerous chats in the office and I found out a few things about him...I remembered that he was the youngest son in a family of 10? and tat as the baby of the family, he was really doted on...and that he lived in the eastern part. And that he has been seeing someone for the last 5 years or so.

I remembered one incident as if it happened last week. When I first joined the insurance company, I had to open a bank account in a specific bank so that my salary would be credited into it each month. But as it was my first few jobs, I was broke and my other liquid cash was tied up in 2 other accounts. But to open a new account, I have to cough up $500 minimum for deposit. I remembered I panicked a bit cos I dun have that extra money and I dun think I should tell my new company then that I dun have the money as initial deposit to open a new bank account. So I delayed passing the information of the account number to the accounts department.

But finally, I told Daniel that I would only have the money in 2 weeks time when my other contract job finally paid up. Daniel was very understanding and he offered to lend me the money ...no questions asked. Frankly I dun know him very well yet at that time. I was just a new employee ...still on probation. In a way, I was touched. But I dun borrowed money...ever! I told him I got money coming in a week or two. He insisted on lending me the money. I refused and told him thanks. He asked me to come to him if my money did not turn up by then. He also helped me extend the deadline by 2 weeks. Luckily, I got my cash from my contract job sooner than expected, opened the bank account and pass the information to the accounts department. AND also got my month pay late.

As my supervisor, Daniel gave me job orientation for the first month. He showed me around, personally drove me to places where I need to go for work related matters etc. And it was those times, we really bonded.

I remembered a few times grabbing his shoulder and arm...and what surprised me was how warm and smooth his fleshy arm was.

One particular chat that I recalled vividly was one we had about some one we both knew - Ralph. Ralph was a local actor who went to Hong Kong to further his career a few years back. However, he never did make it big or famous and instead he got married there and went into insurance. However, he contracted cancer and soon died of it. We started talking about Ralph because news of his death was in a small section of the newspaper. We both lamented that he died young...an awful waste.

And we would never know that in a few years time that Daniel himself would died of cancer also...


I read somewhere that 1 out of 4 people would die of cancer and that 20 people are diagnosed with cancer every day. A scary statistic.


The last time I met Daniel was a few years before his death. After I resigned, we promised to keep in touch but then work and life got in the way. So that weekend, I was coming out of a shop from HMV and I bumped into him. H was with his partner. He seemed tired..a bit bloated and his eyes looked a bit dull and well...dead. He was Daniel but he looked older and more tired. I now wondered if he had contracted cancer then. We said hello...made small talk and he told me he had since left the company and now doing private insurance. We chatted a bit more and then said good bye. We did not exchange current contacts then...as he did not asked nor offered

And the next time, I knew...I was staring at his obituary in the papers and he was dead and that was the last time I saw him in HVM.

Frankly, I did not expect him to die so young.

Anyway, back to that day apartment hunting.

I told SO that I thought I knew A. I knew A and Daniel were very close. Closer than me and Daniel, though A and me were not that close, being that we dun work together much and that he left the company soon after I joined.

And I thought that A might know how Daniel really died. SO gave me a "are u crazy and are u sure?" look. And before SO could said anything, I popped the question.

I asked A, if he remembered me but he's not sure. I told him we worked in the same insurance company many years before and then I asked him ...How did Daniel died?

I apologized to him for the very sudden odd question...he paused a while and told me Daniel died of cancer and he had chemo for some weeks. He even said he has a photo of Daniel in his wallet,after which he said he had forgotten to bring. I asked if Daniel died on 2 April. He said no..actually it was 1 April.

I asked if he attended the memorial every year at the Church near Daniel's place and he told me regretfully that he had to work and thus missed it.

Anyway, A and I made some some talk while SO and another agent looked over the place.
After which SO , I and the agent left, leaving A in the property he was in charge of.

I never did traded contact number with A. And he never asked or offered. Maybe it was just too awkward and we had lost that ex-colleague association and are nothing more than agent and client now. Maybe we are just friends of Daniel and not really friends between us.

But at least I get to find out exactly how Daniel died. Something that has been bothering me since that day, 2 years ago when I flipped open the obituary page to see his pic staring at me. The time then was 11am and his funeral started at 10am.

I was not sure that even if I rushed down that day, I could make it on time. And there was no contact number on the obituary. I did remembered that date though and the next year, I woke up early to read the papers...

But I was sick with the flu and running the fever. And so last year, I did not turned up.

And this year April, I waited for the papers in the morning. Frankly, I was not sure there would be a memorial for Daniel again this year. I asked SO if we should go. SO said no.....there's a viewing that day...which was a Saturday. How well do u really know him? Especially in the last few years? SO asked

Hmmmmm....I dun know how to answer him. Frankly, till the last moment, I was torn between going and not going. How well did I know him then

I was grieving and mourning for Daniel and I really wanted to know how he died. I saw his partner before and I thought I could tell Daniel 's partner how much he loved the partner.

But then I really dun know anyone there. I would only be a strangers amongst friends. Would I be intruding into this grieving moments

Finally I decided not to go. I went to the viewing with a heavy heart. But I did thought of Daniel all this time. And I was determined to know the cause of his death.

SO called me crazy and a busy body. I dun think so. SO thinks I am simply obsessed with all things past. I dun think so. SO thinks i am too emotional!

I suppose I finally have some closure now that I know how Daniel really died. I certainly hoped that he was happy till the last moment.

And maybe, ...I just might attend Daniel memorial next year.

Thank you Daniel and good bye.

Astrological Weight at Birth

Some chinese believe that each one has a astrological weight which corresponds to the date and time of birth. The heavier the weight the better the luck...It is believed that this weight offers an accurate indication of the person's life fortune.

Mine is 5 liang 7 chin...which translates to......

Yours is a life of prosperity and you are equipped with everything. You have so much happiness and so much prosperity. You will have fame and respect and will be admired by others. Life is just fantastic for you! Display a phoenix painting in the South sector to enhance your good name even more. Then your life becomes even more meaningful.

Astrological birth weight can be calculated at http://www.wofs.com/birth_idx.php

Eh...believe it or not...up to the individual....And one more thing, it is not wise to provide strangers the time of birth as it is believed that with the date and time of birth, curses and hexes can be placed on the person.

Graffiti - ECB 162

I have been using the underpass tunnel near my place for about 2 years and never quite noticed the graffiti on the wall there.

Maybe because then the graffiti was not so obvious? but lately, it seemed that the tunnel is splashed with a riot explosion of colors.

Every week or so, a new design or two will appear. I suppose they do add a certain dash of color to the otherwise drab tunnel. But I doubt the authorities will think otherwise to this defacement of public property.

Anyway, according to SO, these graffiti artists used to strike near the Esplanade especially during the National Day period. And the police are looking for them.

The artists goes by the nick "ECB 162". Dun know if it was a done by a single person or a group.

Anyway, I have taken some snapshots.....the graffiti will probably be wiped off once the authorities get wind of it.

WHY SO MANY TITLES???

For any one wondering why it seems that I have more titles with empty content...Well..the thing is my mind works faster than my posting...

Basically, I have ideas on what to blog and post, I just dun have the time and mood to post it yet.

Soon...Soon...

What i have learnt...so far in life...

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Piece of Paradise

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Name calling - Terms of Endearment

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Why no comment??

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Vitamins & Medications

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Happy Vesak Day 22 May 05

Vesak Day is a highly important occasion in the Buddhist calendar, Vesak Day commemorates Lord Buddha's entry into Nirvana after attaining spiritual enlightenment.

This special day commemorates Lord Buddha’s birth, enlightenment and parinirvana, as these three occasions fall on the full moon of the same lunar month. Besides being a festival for rejoicing and making offerings to the Triple Gems, it is also an occasion for reflecting on personal spiritual development.

Though I am no buddhist,Ii find thatBuddhistss teaching promotes peace, understanding andenlightenmentt. And that's good!

Frangrances & Scent

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The HOLE downstairs

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Smell the roses...ahem..LingZhi

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My Ipod Playlist

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Getting Lucky!

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Kitty

I was walking outside Istana when I saw a small black, grey furry bundle on the floor pavement. On closer look, it was a small, grey dirty kitten, the size of my palm.

It was licking or eating what seems like brick color mould of cat food and there were ants all around the brick patch.

My heart went all out to the kitten, but what could I do?

I got 2 dogs at home and I dun think they would be friendly to a small kitten. My dogs were outcasts from former owners who do not want them anymore.

Anyway, what are chances of survival for the kitten? It was in the middle of the city...what sources of food are there? How can it take care of itself?

And what can I do? call the SPCA? They would probably put it to sleep. Is that a better choice?

What can I do? Bring it home? How many kittens or strays can I save? 1 at a time?

I can't do it. It's too heart-breaking and I get too emotional. That's why I dun think I can volunteer at the SPCA or animal shelter. I dun have the heart to see animals put to sleep though it is a necessary evil due to limited space constraints.

So I did the thing I normally do....I walked away...helpless...and heavy in heart.
But this time I wrote about it.

It's not your life ...kitten. SORRY, I can't help u. I dun have the resources and I dun know how. I can only feel sorry for u.

Wrong number again ..and again

This dude called again. Wrong number. This is the sixth time. It started on 20 april. I dun answered numbers to my mobile unless I know the person or the number. There is always the voice mail.

The first 3 times he called in April, I ignored...thinking well....I dun know the person..so why should I answer or call back. If there is anything urgent, leave a message...if not...goodbye.

Then he called again the fourth time...in early may. I did not answered...but he did leave me a voice message...asking me to call back and leaving his contact.

I was curious...so I DID called back an hour later. I asked if he called and who he wanted to speak to. He said...DALPHE pls. I told him ...no such person...sorry wrong number.

And yesterday, his number appeared again....That was the fifth time!

I mean how stupid can u get? How can u call so many times and not realise the number is wrong? Even if the number is close in range....u dun make a mistake so many times!!!

Today he called again, leaving a message...asking Dalphe for a job for his daughter.

I was fed up. And I sent him a text messages that says...U call the WRONG number ..AGAIN.

He text me back to apologize...Sorry...thanks for letting me know.

Stupid idiot. I mean how stupid can he get? 6 times??? I mean if u call by mistake for the first few times...I can still forgive his stupidity...but 6 times!!!!

Anyway, I could have screamed and shouted at him...calling him an idiot to his face...
but then he has my number....and knows where I am calling from...

I prefer to be more sneaky....hahahaha
Will probably call him in the middle of the night.....from a unlisted number....

SERVES HIM RITE FOR HIS STUPIDITY!!!!

SO - Significant Other

Before I go further here, I have to introduce my SO - Significant Other. Many things that happened to me...involve SO. But then not everything evolved around SO.

So when I refer to SO in certain matters....it means I am referring to my Significant Other.

SO and me have been together with me for many many many years...Gosh I never tot that I can be so committed. Maybe even a bit domesticated...hahaha

SO and I have different personalities,hobbies,interests and preferences...

For example....

SO loves plants, gardening and aquarium fishes....
which I dun.

I love my music, videos, reading and surfing the net...which SO dun.
SO claims to be too busy to engage in such activies...and when SO reads...it's about plants, gardening and fishes...
Whereas for me...I read anything that is non fiction and has a good story line.

SO is great in maths...which I am NOT!

SO loves horror movies....which I dun....but I am okay with all other genre.

And SO LOVES TO SLEEP!
By 930 at night, SO's eye lids start to get droopy...and by 10...he's half asleep...

Whereas for me...I am a night owl. I spent my nights till 2 to 3 am...doing stuff....working...watching TV...and I definitely spent countless nights watching SO sleep.

But SO is a morning person. SO wakes up sharp at 6 every morning...even without an alarm clock.
I only start functioning after 9 - 10 am. And I have to really drag myself out of bed to start the day.

As for food, SO is not very adventurous. SO refuses to eat any fish cos of the smell, squid cos of the texture, bitter gourd cos of the taste...and many other stuff. Sometimes SO eats the same type of food, day in day out.
As for me, I am more flexible....as long as there is no fat, no animal skin and no strange parts, I will probably eat it.

Personality wise, I think mine is explosive and quick tempered...I can hold grudges at times...but I am also more forgiving....SO is more patient..I think!...but he is also less compassionate?
How should I put this? I care about people around me...even after when they are not around me anymore...eg..ex-coworkers, neighbor's, chefs, friends, lovers, girlfriends, boyfriends..etc
For SO, once it's over...SO not interested to know what happen to them in their current life....For me, I am curious about what happen to these people whom I used to know...

I read the obituaries page every day....sometimes I see a familiar face or two. SO doesn't care. SO thinks I a crazy...tracking these people down....But I am really curious to know that they are doing good still, have a great life..etc

Life...For those who ever thought of jumping....

This is one of my fave...Really meaningful...a bit sad and tragic ...but oh so true.

Yaya Papaya

Why the name Yaya? Yaya, where I come from (Planet S), means proud..arrogant...stuck-up....something akin to being snobbish.. ??

And being called Yaya Papaya is not exactly a compliment.
eg....Mr X is so yaya papaya...means that he is proud..arrogant and snobbish!

But hey, I am none of that. I simply chose this username cos it came to me when I was asleep. I was contemplating on a new name for a blog...something easy to remember...funny...and well...fun!! And Mr Yaya just popped into my mind.

And Mr Yaya just seem to flow fluently from the mouth...

Anyway, there are really people whose name are Yaya. Once of them I think I know was my college principal, Mr Yaya. At least that's what I think his name is...!

One of the things I do like to say often though...is yaya yaya. And when I do that....I may not actually be agreeing with something....it could be I am humoring u, or accommodating u...patronising u...etc.

No offense, pls!